


you're inside my veins and I cannot get you out. you're all I taste at night inside my mouth.

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, In which Sehun never says his feelings., Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Other, Platonic Romance, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:37:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2625407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongin smells of vanilla coffee beans and romance. Somewhere beneath the soft exterior is a person seeking to know the true meaning of what it means to be human. He has everything he's ever wanted: a good job, a sweet boyfriend, and a great best friend. But something is missing.</p><p> </p><p>If only Jongin knew that he was the only thing Sehun ever saw since they were kids. In the end, Sehun hadn't ever fallen in love with anyone else because Jongin was all that ever mattered. He was his sun and he was willing to follow him anywhere even if not as his lover but his best friend. As long as he was there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're inside my veins and I cannot get you out. you're all I taste at night inside my mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> he is  
> the burning, fiery sun in my sky   
> the quiet, sweet moon in the night   
> millions of dancing stars, lighting up the darkness   
> he is everywhere around me   
> yet impossible to touch

_ I will make sure to keep my distance. _

_ Say I love you when you're not listening, _

_ How long 'til we call this love? _

 

 

  
  
 

Sehun tried to not stare very long. It wasn’t because he felt as though he was being rude-- but his eyes watched Jongin with such a intensity he knew he couldn’t pass it off as a friendly curiosity. But rather a romantic obsession.

 

He swallowed and quickly looked down feeling heat flood his cheeks as he struggled to keep some decent thoughts about his closest.. and well, his  only friend in his mind rather than what his overly active imagination brought forth.

 

Jongin had fallen asleep when they had begun watching some sappy movie only Jongin would want to see. But Sehun being the pushover he easily agreed. Now his best friend’s head was plastered in his lap. Jongin had always looked so peaceful when he slept and with him so close it made  Sehun’s heartthrob with a discomfort he was more than use to by now. His willowy thin fingers ran through the dark hair, tracing his sharp jawline to the tip of his chin.

 

Sehun had tried dating to forget the lingering feelings in his chest for Jongin. He had tried avoiding Jongin. He had tried to date girls. Date guys. He had done everything he could think of. But in the end Jongin had cried when Sehun told him they could no longer be friends. Seeing Jongin’s tears had instantly made Sehun beg for forgiveness. He had tried dating girls and guys alike but it was always the same. “ Choose Jongin or me. You spend more time with him than who you’re with.” And it had never really been a choice. It had always been Jongin.

 

It seemed so selfish of Sehun to desire more of his best friend. He was the closest person to Jongin yet he wanted to be  closer , to be  more . But any who knew Jongin knew what it was like to be swallowed by a hurricane. Jongin was beautiful in a way that the world truly lacked. His smile was charming and sweet. His eyes dark and passionate. Everything he did was a essence of perfect that it often consumed Sehun entirely. He was desirable without trying, compassionate without wanting anything in return, and he accepted foul mouthed, ill-tempered, grumpy Sehun without a second thought.

 

Sehun’s finger traced the full lips wondering if he’d ever get a chance to press his own against those sweet petals. It was when Jongin stirred on his lap, he dropped his hand. Jongin rubbed his eyes managing to push himself up looking up at Sehun with a sleepy smile. It was when Jongin leaned forward to press his lips against Sehun’s, Sehun froze under Jongin’s lips. And as if sudden awareness spread through Jongin he froze as well.  Had he read Sehun’s mind?  Finally felt his longing? Then he jumped back holding his hands up as if he was shocked at himself.

 

“Ah! Sehun I’m so sorry!” Jongin said quickly, “I thought you were Kyungsoo!”

 

A pang of discomfort spread through his chest. Sehun touched his own lips slowly and felt nausea rise up in his throat. He had wanted Jongin’s kiss but how bitter it tasted knowing he had thought he was someone else. 

 

But Sehun forced a small laugh and a smile anyway, “I am going to tell Kyungsoo.” He hoped it sounded like innocent teasing.

 

Jongin’s face looked relieved but panicked. “He would  kill me. I already have to tell him there is nothing between us. He suspects me. But, I am just like we’re best friends. That’s it. Ugh.”

Sometimes it was hard to smile around Jongin. At moments like those Sehun wanted to smash something. Throw it. Scream at his best friend. Just in a sad hope that maybe one day he’d see the love threatening to consume him. But instead, Sehun patted Jongin’s back. “It will be our secret.” He said instead and Jongin smiled back at him blinding as the sun. It was  hard , hard pretending to not love him.

 

x

 

Ten year old Jongin had been the king of the playground. He had always been a spoiled child since he so often got what he wanted. Sehun at that age felt like they were in two entirely different worlds. But for some reason, Jongin had noticed the short shy boy with the lisp who often was laughed at for his old clothes or his funny way of speaking.

 

Jongin had proudly walked up to him and grabbed his arm confidently. Even at ten, Jongin was the type of person who was much like the sun. Poor Sehun had only ever been a flickering candle pretending to be the sun. “We’re going to be best friends.” Jongin had said and dragged him across the playground to play kickball with the other kids Sehun actively avoided.

 

“ Why did you bring him along?” One guy had asked, “ He’s so weird.”

 

Sehun had blushed and tried to go back to kicking rocks but Jongin’s grip didn’t loosen. Instead he stood taller and protectively came closer to Sehun, throwing his arm around the slightly shorter male, and sent a glare at the group of boys peering at them. “He’s my best friend. If you don’t want to play with him, I don’t want to play with you.” Jongin said back to them. It was well known Jongin’s parents gave him anything he wanted so he had all the best things. All the boys quickly forgot Sehun was there and even started inviting him over.

 

It was one night Sehun was sleeping over Jongin’s house wondering how lucky Jongin was to get such a nice home and nice parents. His own family was nothing to brag about. He lived with his grandmother and grandfather who struggled to care for him. His own mother was a hooker and his dad hadn’t ever been around.

 

“Don’t worry.” Jongin whispered as he hugged Sehun closer, petting his blonde hair. “I will take care of you always.” Laying in the makeshift fort they had built out of pillows Sehun supposed that’s when his love began.

 

x

Sehun was sitting on the edge of the sofa eating leftovers when the apartment door opened and instead of Jongin it was Kyungsoo coming through. Sehun wasn’t really surprised anymore but he hadn’t known Jongin had given his boyfriend a key. It seemed like the type of thing you’d have to okay with your roommate. But lately, ever since Jongin had accidentally kissed him they were avoiding each other.

 

Kyungsoo shut the door behind him and looked up to see Sehun. A prick of annoyance ran through Sehun. Kyungsoo was the type to come in and start cleaning shit. It was never really messy just a bit disorganized. He had nearly punched Jongin’s boyfriend when he had come home one day to find Kyungsoo cleaning his room. Sehun hadn’t ever been very good at sharing and despised people touching his things.

 

“Where is Jongin?” Sehun asked as he chewed his food thoroughly, taking a small sip of coke a second later.

 

“He is getting me something from the store. But I didn’t come to see Jongin, I came to see you.” Kyungsoo said.

 

“And why would you do that?” Sehun asked dully. As far as Sehun was concerned Kyungsoo would always be ‘Jongin’s boyfriend’ for him. They had no business talking. He could care less whatever reason the other wanted to see him.

 

“I know you don’t like me. And I don’t really like you.” Kyungsoo said. He wasn’t very tall or intimidating but Sehun knew not to trust him. “I think we should get along better. After all, I’m going to be a big part of Jongin’s life.”

 

Sehun’s jaw clenched.  A big part of Jongin’s life? Sehun’s lips pursed, thinning slowly as he looked up from his food to the man giving him a knowing look. As far as Sehun was concerned he would always have the biggest part of Jongin’s life. It wasn’t something he was willing to share. He scoffed slightly. There had always been some underlying tension between Kyungsoo and him: because they both  knew. They both knew Sehun was in love with his best friend but too much of a coward to confess. Sehun smiled tightly and stood as he went to go put away his dishes. A headache was already forming as he thought about Kyungsoo’s words. He laughed to himself,  a big part of his life? Sehun stopping in the living room doorway, crossing his arms. “You’re irrelevant. Because you’re like all the rest. One day Jongin will tire of you and toss you aside because he needs  more . And I’ll always be here to pick up the peices. Don’t be stupid.” Sehun snapped, “You think you know him well and that’s where you’re wrong. I know the slight expressions he makes when he’s upset. I know when he tires of people like you. I know what his tears feel like. And I know he’ll come running to me when he’s done with you. Jongin is fickle in his likes. Right now you’re a shiny new toy he wants to explore. But once he’s done you’re going to be like the rest.”

 

Kyungsoo’s expression darkened. “Do you think it’s a little pathetic to be clinging to him so desperately? What makes you think suddenly one day he’ll see you how you wish?”

 

Sehun’s lips curved upwards. “You’re wrong again. Jongin is the one clinging to me. He only needs to see me as someone he needs over everyone else.” As far as Sehun was concerned Jongin didn’t need to ever return his feelings. As long as he was the most important person in his life he would be entirely okay. He could suffer with a smile as long as he knew Jongin couldn’t live without him.

 

“I’m his  boyfriend!” Kyungsoo said, voice raising. “Don’t you have any shame?”

 

“No, not really.” Sehun said, “But when you’re done you know where the door is. I’m going to nap. Don’t bother me again about this.” Sehun turned down the hall and went to his bedroom making sure to lock the door so he was no longer disturbed.

Sehun shared a special relationship with Marlboro Smooth 100s. Jongin hated when he smoked inside and Sehun hated his boyfriend-- so he figured they were even when he puffed the rough but minty menthol flavor. He was still annoyed with Kyungsoo though he imagined the other had left already since it had gotten quiet throughout the apartment. It was when he heard a knocking at his door that he gritted his teeth. Because that knock could only belong to Jongin. He wondered if he was quiet and pretended to be sleep would the other go away. He wasn’t in the mood to face his friend over whatever Kyungsoo had told him.

 

“Sehun, I know you’re in there.” Jongin murmured behind the wooden door, his voice sounding off slightly.

 

Sehun narrowed his eyes as he moved from the bed. He moved towards the door as he opened to see a red eyed, sniffling Jongin. Jongin looked at him pitifully and pulled the cigerette from his lips with a disdain expression.

 

“Don’t you know these will kill you?” Jongin asked, moving past him to put it out in the ashtray. But Sehun caught his arm.

 

“Why are you crying?” It was true that Sehun was weak to Jongin but he was so much more weak when the other looked absolutely heartbroken. His heart hammered a bit too quickly. Was it his fault? Had Kyungsoo said something?

 

“Don’t you think we’ve been living together like this for too long?” Jongin asked quietly, tugging his arm from Sehun’s grip. “I know I’ve been selfish and held onto you when you wanted to move out before-- maybe I should have let you?”

 

Sehun’s brow dipped. “What are you saying Jongin? That you don’t want to be my roommate anymore? Is this because of Kyungsoo because he came at me with some crazy shit.” Why did it feel like Jongin was struggling to say goodbye? Why was Sehun’s heart suddenly speeding up to a uncomfortable rate? Surely, Jongin wasn’t triyng to say goodbye. 

 

Jongin sighed, looking like he didn’t know how to form the words he wanted to. “We’ve been friends since forever.” He mumbled. “I understand that I’ve kind of pushed you into everything. I made you be my friend. I made you move in with me. I made you stay. I just made you do a lot of crap without really asking you. Kyungsoo told me to choose. You or him.”

 

Sehun felt like he was suddenly choking. “And you decided you wanted Kyungsoo?” Sehun asked bitter. He couldn’t believe this. Jongin didn’t look at him as Sehun was sure if he did, Jongin would see-- he’d see what he always tried to avoid in Sehun’s eyes. For Sehun it was like having his world ripped from around him. He hadn’t asked to fall in love with his best friend. He would have certainly preferred to avoid such unpleasantries. It wasn’t a switch he could suddenly turn on and off. There was the prick of hurt surfacing under the anger, just enough to make Sehun scoff. “I was here long before you even thought to think of the name Kyungsoo. How could you entertain him? We’re  friends .” Sehun said, “We’re friends.” He repeated, “Why should some guy come between us?”

 

Jongin was silent for a long time. He sat the cigarette bud into the ashtray and took a seat on the edge of the bed. “Sometimes I wished I could just fall in love with you and nothing would ever have to change.” Jongin said, his eyes lifting to Sehun full of a sadness Sehun didn’t understand.

 

How could he say these cruel things? Sehun let out a heavy breath, his trembling hand pressing against his temple. “Jongin.” He said slowly, “What are you doing now? Are you getting rid of me?” He asked not sure how he was managing to breath at the moment.

 

“We need lives outside of each other. Kyungsoo is right. It’s not normal.” Jongin said slowly, “I don’t want to get  rid  of you Sehun. We just need space apart.”

 

Sehun stared at him. It felt like his chest was caving it and suddenly it was hard to breathe. Had there ever been a point in Sehun’s life he thought he might have to exist without Jongin he may have been prepared for this possibility. But he had always thought were interchangeable. Where there was Jongin, there would be Sehun shortly after. He felt betrayed. As if Jongin was stealing from him. “You were crying. If you were just going to leave me why are  you  crying?” Sehun demanded his words bitter. Where would he go? He could only imagine getting lost without Jongin. He felt like the weight of his mistakes. Suddenly his sun was being ripped from his skies. The darkness would only remind him where light could be-- remind him of Jongin. It would be suffocating.

 

“You don’t think I  want to?” Jongin demanded, “Sehun you’re like my brother but we have to face it-- we cannot live our lives together forever.”

 

“We can!” Sehun said more desperately. “You can go marry Kyungsoo, have kids, find a nice house. I can find a nice girl, a nice house, we can live next to each other. We can raise our kids together. We can escape to each other’s basements when we need a break. We can grow old  together , we can--”

 

“Sehun,  stop .” Jongin said, “This isn’t a fairytale. I know it’s selfish of me to leave you after dragging you along for so long--”

 

“Jongin, I cannot. I’ll  do anything   just don’t do this.” Sehun muttered, his fingers digging into his scalp. His eyes burned as he swallowed. “If it ends like what will happen to our friendship?”

 

“We’ll always be friends Sehun.” Jongin muttered, “Just not like before. Kyungsoo has to be the person I run to. Not you.”

 

Sehun was losing his spot as the most important person in Jongin’s life. He shook his head as he sound came from that sounded like a choked sob. It was somewhere around then when he felt his wet face to realize he had begun crying. “I don’t want to lose you.” Sehun didn’t want to break. He didn’t want to open his eyes to a place without Jongin. The pressure in his chest was becoming uncomfortable as he turned from Jongin ashamed of his tears. Jongin had stole all his good dreams. How could he dream when all that would be replaced were vague memories of nightmares? Sehun was desperate. But he soon realized he would never be the sun in Jongin’s life rather a flickering flame threatening to die out.

 

“I’m really sorry Sehun. I know it’s hard for you. It’s hard for me too. But we can always hang out. Just not as often as before, you know?” Jongin asked, “It’s not like I’m totally leaving.”

 

All Sehun had ever wanted to do was to love Jongin. Even if it meant he had to do so from a distance. He had overcome his desire. He had accepted his spot as his best friend. And now Jongin was leaving with his heart. And here Sehun was allowing him to take it.

 

“Just  go.” Sehun bit out.

please do not go. please stay. please just be with me. please for once in your damn life open your eyes and see my heart. just once please. realize how madly in love I am with you. 

 

“I’m sorry Sehun, I really am.”

And Jongin walked out.

 

I’ve loved you to the point of insanity. Please, just see.

 

 

 

 


End file.
